Sunday, January 17, 2016

on loneliness

Not that it has ever happened, but if someone were to ask why I write personal stuff to share with strangers online, my answer would be that:
a) I believe I'm better at writing than I am at speaking, even if I rarely edit my writing on this blog and basically write as I would speak, and
b) strangers are usually the best listeners (or readers)

I'm finally back. For some reason, I haven't been able to write a post I genuinely enjoy for a while. It's been a crazy few weeks. Many awesome things have happened, such as getting accepted to UBC, and having an interview for Northwestern that went great; however, some other rather unpleasant things have happened, such as my boyfriend leaving for college. I have been extremely excited daydreaming about college lately, since I got accepted to the first one. I have even started thinking about what I'm going to wear when it's winter wherever I end up going to. The idea of university really excites me, which is why I'm also very happy my boyfriend is finally starting college. It was hard to see him go though, probably harder than I ever thought it would be. I am very independent and autonomous, which is why I'm not very good at missing people excessively. Of course I miss people every now and then, but it's never an extremely strong emotion, if that makes sense. It's funny because I thought to myself "wait, so, when my boyfriend is gone, who am I going to text on a Sunday to go get coffee with me?". I know it sounds weird but let me explain. This was the first time I understood that the person I consider my best friend (and I'm someone who values friendship a lot) is no longer going to be here, with me. It hit hard. I felt so alone in the world. I do not have a relationship with anyone that's close to the relationship I have with him. So, yes I can call him and text him, but I can't go get coffee with him and just talk with no restrains until my throat literally hurts from talking so much. I am feeling sad, nostalgic, and even confused. However, I believe the word that really describes my feelings right now is lonely.

I've had a bittersweet relationship with loneliness for most of my high school experience. When I was in ninth grade I once wrote about how I felt like I wanted deeper connections with people, but they didn't seem willing to have them with me. Of course, I was younger and more dramatic, but I enjoy reading my ideas and how I have grown. This is part of that entry, I guess I'll call it.

"Sometimes I cry because I feel like I understand somebody and that they understand me. I feel like there are at least some people that are just like me, and that they could be my dream friends. But then I get to know them better and I realise they do stuff that I don't understand." (2013)

It's a bit funny and broad but I like it for some reason. I was basically referring to how I felt I could not understand those around me and how they could not understand me, and that's why I could not have deep relationships with people.

I had never really "lived" in the past until now. I'm more of a person who lives in the future, always daydreaming and not really actively being part of the present. A person who is very close to me once told me that he thinks I live in the future because I'm optimistic and because my future is full of possibilities and wonders. He said it seemed to him that I learned to appreciate the present while I was in New York this summer. I guess he was right. But now I'm living in a mixture of that past where I lived in the present, and the future. (2014)

I don't know if any of this makes sense, so I'll try to explain it. Loneliness sucks but it's beautiful. It sucks but I would not change it for anything. It is inspiring, moving, and it defines my creative process as an aspiring storyteller. Feeling lonely si refreshing and allows me to keep in touch with all of my different emotions. Of course though, I have friends, a best friend, boyfriend, and family, so I'm not really completely lonely. To me loneliness is not the lack of people, it is the lack of deep, strong, honest relationships with people. And now the one person I have had the deepest relationship with is leaving. Right now, I am feeling lonely, but not artistically inspired. Do you get what's wrong? I'm not feeling the romantic and even self-absorbed sort of loneliness I have always felt. I'm literally lonely right now. To anyone reading this: please, let's go get some tea on Friday and talk about our feelings.

Let us talk about long distance relationships now. I feel like they suck. I have had a long distance friendship for a while now and it's terrible because we miss each other all the time. There is not a single conversation in which we don't say we miss each other. Human's are not built for long distance relationships. We will miss someone even if we text them everyday. We have to see each other not to miss each other. Luckily, my boyfriend is just going to be a 30 minute flight away. I thought I'd just share my opinion now that I'm writing about loneliness and relationships.

I'm aware not many people read my posts when they are so full of text, so I thought I would include some pictures of my weekend, including my recent trip to Bogota.

So yeah, I just basically drank coffee and tea and ate red velvet cake.

Thanks a lot for reading! I'll be back with some outfit posts soon!


Friday, January 1, 2016

merry little christmasy stuff + NYE

A funny thing happened: this post was actually meant to be published yesterday but Blogger did not save it. However, here it is, with the NYE addition.

So here I am, drinking "White Christmas Tea" (a very thoughtful gift from my boyfriend) and feeling kind of sad because December is practically over, and so is the christmas/holiday spirit. Sadly, I didn't either go somewhere where it's winter or get the chance to drink from those cool red Starbucks cups, because I live in Cali, Colombia, and we don't have snow or Starbucks here. However, I did enjoy christmas and I'm very grateful to the people who made it so enjoyable. I'm literary holding on 2015 because I cannot believe I am graduating in six months. I don't know about you but I think the transition to adulthood doesn't really begin when you turn 18 but rather when you graduate from high school. You are thrust into the so called real world, and all of the comforts of being a "kid" are basically snatched from you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited about going to college and beginning to form my own life, but it's just so real now that I'm like in shock. Also, I'm turning 19 in seven months. What even is 19? It's such a random age, isn't it? It's like you're not 18 so you're not in that threshold before turning into a real adult, but you're also not in your 20s, which is like the real adult world (I think). Can I just be 18 forever please? Or maybe skip from 18 to 20. I don't know!!!! Can any 19 year old tell me what it feels to be 19????

So because I'm holding on to 2015 like I've never held on to anything before (too dramatic?), I want this post to collect some of my lovely memories from the holiday season.

1. Decorating my room

I'm really into decorating my room so of course this was very fun for me to do. I kept it simple though, but I'm still loving it and kinda don't want to take it down. Here's just one example. This santa laundry thing (that's what my grandma calls it) is like my favorite thing ever and I don't want to take it down.

2. Listening to christmas music

I've actually been listening to christmas music since like May. Michael Buble's album is appropriate for any time of the year.

3. Listening to the whole Led Zeppelin IV album on my new record player.

I got a nice audio-technica turntable, even though I didn't ask for it, and it was an awesome surprise. I could finally listen to one of my three records I've been saving since 2013.

4. Spending christmas with my family and my boyfriend

Yup, it was very fun! We all had a very nice time. I wrote a little more about this in my last post.

5. Drinking lots of tea

Shoutout to my boyfriend for getting me the lovely White Christmas Tea (it's sooo good) and to my mom for ordering one of my favorite teas ever which is the Stach Premium Peach tea.

6. The memories of last Christmas

Las christmas was amazing. So was this one, but some of my favorite memories ever come from last christmas. Here are some pictures:


How did you celebrate New Year's Eve?? I spent it with my family at a great-aunt's house. To be honest, I'm more of a christmas person than a NYE person. I guess NYE just doesn't have that cozy feeling to it. Maybe I've just never had a very fun NYE celebration. It amazes me, however, how people become very special/sentimental on this date. I got messages from different people just wishing me a happy new year and saying nice things about me, and I was just very surprised by all of that. I've never felt more valued on a NYE. Thank you.

I'm not sure if it's just Colombian tradition, but at midnight we all ate 12 grapes and ran around the house with a suitcase. I think the 12 grape tradition is for good luck and the running around with the suitcase is so you'll travel a lot during the year. Do you guys have any NYE tradition? I also know in Colombia some people do this thing called año viejo, where they make a dummy, representing the past year, and burn it. It's a bit too violent for me though.

Unfortunately, I could not take nice OOTD pictures yesterday, but, of course, I'll still show you what I wore.

Dress from Forever 21
Shoes from American Apparel

Thanks for reading! Tomorrow I'll be traveling to San Andres (a small Caribbean island). I'll try to make the most of it and come up with some OOTD ideas in a place where you're just basically wearing swimsuits the whole time. Hope you have a great first day of 2016!!! Best wishes!